Friday, July 13, 2018

I'm a Chewer

I come from a long line of chewers. My mom was an avid gum chewer. My paternal grandmother chewed tobacco. I live in the south, and everywhere I look, there are gum chewers. Some chewers are discreet, while others noisily chomp, smack, and spray. I think of myself as a closet chewer, at least in public. I hold the gum in the side of my mouth, and when no one's looking, I bite into my crack. Yes, gum is crack to me.

Gum was my partner when my fiancé left me. It took me through divorce, a baby, remarriage, the purchase of a new home, the loss of my mom and dad, the death of my pets, and a stock market fiasco.
I write best while I'm chewing. I even think it exercises my face. It keeps me awake when I'm driving and gives my mouth something to do when I want to eat. Chewing keeps my mouth moist, takes away bad tastes, and makes me kissable.

I quit chewing gum sweetened with artificial sweeteners years ago; I figured real sugar was better for me than those mind-altering, waist-expanding substitutes. One day I decided to look at the ingredients in the sugary based gum I used. What in the heck was in my mouth? It was not a pretty picture. It was an OMG moment. I had been chewing – are you ready for this? RUBBER! I was chewing tires, or at least pre-tire material. My relationship with gum might be my longest, most secure relationship, but now my relationship was threatened.

I went for days without gum. Memories of bygone times pierced my waking moments. I missed the jaw action and that first chomp into a fresh piece of heaven. I longed for the sensuous feel in my mouth when I rolled my gum from side to side. This would never do; I went on a gum quest. Where do the real gum gods reside? I must find them; I must satisfy the deep soul call of my gum destiny. I needed a new gum mate.

I found some gum, some cool, wonderful gum, but cost made it prohibitive. I mean I would not spend 3 or 4 dollars on a pack of gum, and I found that all natural gum was not equal. But I did find one gum that stood out: Glee Gum. Glee Gum is all natural chewing gum made with sustainably harvested rain forest chicle. It is touted as the #1 healthy alternative to synthetic chewing gum and bubble gum! It contains no artificial colors, flavors, preservatives, or artificial sweeteners (no aspartame). I recommend the lemon lime sugarless gum. Glee Gum uses Xylitol as a sweetener. Xylitol is found naturally in the fibers of fruits and veggies like corn, raspberries, and plums. It can help benefit dental health, fight cavities, reduce plaque, and even clear nasal passages. It's a safe choice for people on restricted diets. It comes in bulk, is reasonably priced, and their staff is most personable.

So now I chew with Glee. My gum is with me as I sit and peck out a few words. I press it to the front of my mouth and take tiny bits. Bit, bit, bit - it's a game we play. I slide it to the side of my mouth and hunker down in a fleeting moment of gum ecstasy. I have found my gum-mate and it's a terrific relationship. Happy chewing to you, and if you are not a chewer, by now you may think I am loco. Chew well, eat well, and prosper. Da Gum, I'm Having Fun. Yum, Yum. Great gum.
Join the Muppets in asking that existential question, "Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost over night?"