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We are tribal people, pack animals, gatherers, and joiners. Solitary
confinement, removing one from others, is a punishment or a tactic used
to break people. Certain religions shun members who act outside approved
behaviors as punishment for their supposed infractions. People are
exiled from their country of origin. We don’t do well, as a species,
when we are on our own for extended periods.
A therapist once spoke about helping people who had recently
undergone an arduous boat journey to escape genocide. She expected to
hear about the trauma of not knowing if they would survive, or the long,
hot days at sea, but what she heard, on several occasions, surprised
her. People wanted to talk about their relationships, not their
endurance hardships. “He hardly even noticed me. He was looking at her.”
“When we got to shore, she bolted, without a second glance at me.”
Relationships are important. While we don’t need to depend on any one
person to meet our needs, especially when they don’t want to, we can
expect that our need to feel a part of a pack, group, or family can be
accomplished, and we can always have better one-on-one relationships.
Once we pass the initial honeymoon phase of any relationship, when the
fizzle wears off, we must take genuine heart action and become a giver
of right actions.
We can’t wait for others to love us; we must become love in action,
and in that giving we receive all the love we give. The St. Francis
Prayer (I know. It’s widely accepted that St. Francis did not write the
prayer, but it’s still a dynamite prayer!) says it clearly, “O, Divine
Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; for it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are
pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.”
Here are ways to build healthier and happier relationships with those
who are close to you. Some of these are appropriate for friends and
family and some of them are not. All of them are helpful in special love
relationships.
- Smile at your mate/partner/spouse 5 times a day while looking
them directly in the eye. This sends a signal to your loved ones that
you are okay and that they don’t have to worry about you. Our loved ones
often take responsibility for how we feel, and if they never see us
happy, they feel guilty, mad, or afraid. Smiling is an amazing spiritual
practice, so why not share that smile? This also conveys a unit of
recognition; we all like to be noticed and to receive that confirmation
of
existence.
- When your loved one leaves for work or to run an errand, say
goodbye. Acknowledge their departure. Give them a hug or a kiss goodbye.
Greet them when they return with a hug, a kiss, or a greeting. “Hi. How
did it go?” Consequently, tell them when you are leaving, announce when
you get home, and touch in with them.
- Greet your mate when you wake up (if they are already awake). Give
them a good morning hug, kiss, or a wave. If they wake up after you,
greet them when you see them. “Good morning!” Be cheerful.
- Tell them you love them, one or more times a day.
- Give your significant other at least five hugs a day.
- Tell your significant other something you appreciate about them, every day.
- When your partner talks to you, pay attention. Don’t look at your
cell phone and tell them you can hear what they are saying. Be present.
Acknowledge what they’ve said so they know they have been heard. Nod
your head occasionally, saying “I hear you” and say “yes” when
appropriate. Ask questions to be sure you understand, or repeat back
what they have said to show you heard them.
- Hug 5 to 10 minutes a day while lying down. Don’t force your mate to
do this. Do it only if it appeals to your mate. Forcing compliance
erodes trust and pleasure in our relationships.
Without
taking special care of our relationships, they waver. It’s like trying
to wash a hand-knitted wool sweater in the washer. Doing so will ruin the
sweater. We must take our sweater to the dry cleaners or wash it by
hand in cold water and dry it on a flat surface. Relationships require more attention
and care than do our sweaters. Do we take as much care with our
relationships as we would when we wash our car or bake a cake?
Relationships can be fragile, but when we take to time to nourish them,
they gain strength and eventually become monuments of love and
compassion. Better relationships make EZier lives, and, given the
complication of contemporary living, EZier is more necessary than ever.
Take it EZ, make it EZ, and have an EZ or at least EZier day.
Anne
I once had a spiritual teacher who was a sexual predator. He was
my minister, and, in many ways, my mentor. I should have seen his acting
out, but I was naive and young. He raped a friend of mine, but I didn’t
know that until 40 years later. If I had known, I would have left. I
guess I did leave. My friend left the church and went to another church,
and I followed her.
This man, a man of the cloth, opened many doors for me, although
he had a shadow side that allowed him to take advantage of his position.
I quoted him Sunday AM from the pulpit. I didn’t mention names, and as
sad and horrifying as his actions were toward women, he helped me
immensely. I don’t discount that. I would have been “out of there”
sooner if I had been able to see the abuse, but my family history
allowed me to deny it. I too was caught in an unhealthy sexual
perspective, though I didn’t know it. I was a child of the sixties, and
there was a sexual liberation movement that was well-needed, but with it
came a time of experimenting. There was no AIDS, no herpes, but there
were few heart-centered guidelines.
I had a friend who disclosed that he was a peeping tom. He was one
of my best friends and he had always treated me with respect and
admiration. He asked me to read Patrick Carnes’ book, Out of the Shadows.
It’s about
sexual addiction. I cried when I read the book. It opened
new doors of compassion in me. I never looked at my friend
differently. I couldn’t excuse his behavior, but after hearing his
confessions and reading the book, I saw a different point of view.
There are many women who are coming forth these days with stories
of sexual abuse. People ask why they didn’t come forward sooner. Maybe
it was fear, but, for me, it was because I was raised in a culture where
men took advantage of women, and I didn’t even see it as wrong. I
thought it was just, “This is what men do.” It was like a Stockholm
Syndrome for our culture.
My husband has been great when it comes to sexual openness. He
admits that he, too, has his sexual baggage. He was raised as a
Jehovah’s Witness, and, in their book, just being alive is practically
unacceptable.
I once took my mom to a weekend retreat. She asked me some
specific questions about sex. I was shocked at her naivete. She had
three children, was married to a womanizer (I’m being kind with that
assessment), and hardly knew anything about sex. I won’t go into
details, but the generation I came from was one step away from
Puritanism. Those values keep parents from allowing sex education in the
schools and make sex a forbidden fruit, thus creating intrigue and
mayhem around
sexuality.
Take religious repression, violence, domination, and sexual
liberation, mix them together, and you have a mess - a milkshake of
sexual wounding. There are a few brave souls who address this. Of
course, I had to put my toe into the turmoil, thinking I could
contribute something of value. I gave a workshop on sexual pleasure and a
seminar on sexual boundaries in the workplace, but I just scratched the
surface. There’s not an easy solution, but there is a calling coming
forth that
demands that we, as a culture, take a closer personal look. Sexuality is
a topic that, when explored, offers poignant possibilities for
introspection. Sexuality is a part of the mind, body, spirit connection.
It should be an intimate act, done in full awareness, that allows us to
learn the deeper aspects of our being, because when we do, life becomes
EZier and EZier.
Relationships are the playing field from which we learn love and
goodness. Without these indispensable basic elements,
relationships are cold and dark. They imprison us in pain or
limitations. Loveless relationships are full of competition, a
relentless drive to get something, or the need to be right and
prove the other wrong. Unhealed wounds are the source of
punishment when the other friend, child, or partner does not meet
one’s unmet baby needs! Revenge on one’s parents is taken out in
the relationship.
Gina Lake puts in succinctly when she says, “What interferes with
expressing love is the tendency to be absorbed in your mind and
thoughts about yourself and what you want and need rather than
about how you might express love.”
It’s not a pretty scene, the loveless relationship. However,
relationships founded in lack, pain, power, and struggle have the
potential to come alive through love. It is in the awakening to
our true nature that love flourishes. Love surfaces when we
surrender the egoic mind. Once we stop demanding the form love
must take, we are free to become what we really are – love
incarnate. This loves shines away the darkness in our relationship
and even the darkest corner becomes a welcome potential to
strengthen love. Focusing on love awakens deep compassion, and it
is this compassion that allows us to see our partner, friend, or
family member clearly. We cease to identify them with their
actions and define them through their Essence.
Truly, the quality our relationships is dependent on our
relationship to Source. When we know who we are and make a
conscious effort to be the space for love to live, everything
changes.
Are you ready for the change? How can you live love?
- Don’t try to be right. Just drop the conversation that keeps
love at bay. This is a game called right - wrong and it is
designed to thwart intimacy.
- Really listen to what your friend or partner is saying.
- Heal your thoughts about your parents. Unhealed parental
wounds not only show up in your relationships, they show up as
your relationships. Acknowledge what your parents did to you.
It’s not about blame. If a parent runs over a child with an
automobile, it’s unintentional, but the child is hurt none the
less. Truly acknowledge what happened, then forgive your
parents, and drop it.
- Pray for your friend or partner. Wish for him or her the best.
Don’t try to coerce the Universe into getting more love or
attention from your partner. Radiate your love toward your
partner.
- See yourself as whole and lovable when you are with your
friend. Be aware of your self-talk. Don't use that inner voice
to put them down. Don't think about what you want from your
friend. Experience your lovability; drink in the ever-present,
omnipresent love available. Keep your mind clean.
Relationships can be thought of as a spiritual pilgrimage. You
enter with high expectations, stumble and fall, then discover
things about yourself that would be hidden if you were alone, then
heal those wounds, and finally share love from the deepest places.
If you can’t go to India and see a guru and you desire the
rigorous teaching of a master, just turn to your relationships and
see them as your guru. If you open your heart and let them, they
will lead you to love, and with love as your guide, everything is
EZier and EZier.
Anne #relationships
There is a part of our minds that functions to limit us. Some call
it ego; others refer to it as egoic mind. This idea does not refer to
Freud’s concept of ego; in his model the ego is the mediator between our
instincts and our social self. The term ego has undergone multiple
transformations since it first appeared in Freud's psychoanalytic
theory. Eric Berne brought the ego into cultural narrative with his
theory on ego states. Berne divided the emotional states, or ego states,
into the
parent, the adult, and the child. Berne and others further subdivided
these ego states until there are too many aspects of mind to keep up
with without being trampled by the intellect! All respect to Berne. I
think he was a genius.
People refer to someone who has an exaggerated self-image by saying
she's all ego or that that's his ego talking. We say, “He has a big
ego.” We use the term egotistical as a pejorative. People have even turned the word ego into an acronym. Easing God Out or Easing Good Out.
Some people define the ego as a useful part of the mind; they prefer to
befriend it. Others think the ego
should be annihilated, and some realize that the ego must be carefully
watched and tamed, lest it become the gatekeeper of our mental prisons. A Course in Miracles
invites us to “Watch your mind for the temptations of the ego, and do
not be deceived by it. It offers you nothing. When you have given up
this voluntary dis-spiriting, you will see how your mind can focus and
rise above fatigue and heal. Yet you are not sufficiently vigilant
against the demands of the ego to
disengage yourself. This need not be.”
While many people dispute the circuitous route ACIM takes on the way
to peace, the course nails the destructive element of the mind and
refers to it as ego. Just as one uses the word love in different ways,
people use the term ego to refer to different things. Regardless of
whether we use the word ego to refer to someone’s grandiosity or use it
to describe a part of our mind that takes part in the organization of
the personality, it is helpful to have a word that describes a part of
our mind
that limits us. Egonomics provides that clarity and defines the ego as a
part of the mind that limits us at every turn and thwarts our best
efforts at healing unhealthy and ineffective beliefs, emotions, and
behaviors.
Using the concept of the ego as a limiting device, here are some characteristics and thoughts about the ego and its function.
- The ego’s foundation is fear. This is emotional and
psychological fear. This is not the same fear one has when a bear runs
toward them.
- The ego bases its operation on protecting one from this fear.
- The ego’s fears are illusory.
- The ego fears its own destruction. The ego takes on a life of its
own and uses the personality to fulfill its needs and pass on its
legacy. This legacy is spirit poor and rich in control and divisiveness.
- The ego feeds the mind endless stories of travail in order to cement its position in the psyche.
- The ego’s motto is, “Seek, but do not find.”
- The ego feeds on special relationships to get what it thinks it
needs to stay alive and be in charge. This is “loving to get.”
Naturally, this faux love has a self-serving agenda.
- When we are afraid and upset and there's no bear around or other
life-threatening circumstances, we are operating under the influence of
the ego. When the ego rules, we live in a drunken state of fear.
- It takes an ego to point out an ego.
- The ego gets all its material from the past and then diverts the mind away from the present.
The
above information seems daunting, but it can be liberating to expose
erroneous mental constructs. It is revelatory when we understand that
part of the mind is out to get us. We can refer to the ego’s plan as the
ultimate plot for self-sabotage. Knowing that all its thoughts and
feelings are not helpful, we can choose another way.
Operating under the influence of the ego is like having a road map
that only goes to New York City. We load up the family to go to Florida,
take out the New York City road map, and head out. We never get where
we want to go using the New York City map. We use the same map on all
trips, so whether we're headed to Hong Kong or Hilton Head, we always
end up in the same place, New York City. That's what the ego wants. It
wants us to end up in the same place with every mind trip we take. The
ego
wants us under its spell and it’s not a magic spell. It’s the spell from
hell.
What is the way out? How can we sober up from the ego drunkenness? We
sober up in one of two ways. We can go directly to wholeness or we can
use stepping stones to wholeness. Either way leads us away from the ego
and into the promised land.
The Direct Approach - Love. Love, accessed in the
moment, dissolves the ego’s effect. Love is always present, and the
direct approach is the fastest, easiest, and most accessible option.
The Stepping Stone Approach - Forgiveness. When
blinded by ego’s effect, forgiveness walks us away from the ego. It
heads us into our essence, which is love. We forgive others for not
acting the way we want them to act because we want peace. Forgiveness
means letting go of the upset that surrounds the situation, and, while
it is difficult to let go of certain situations, it is never impossible.
Why? Because we always have help.
“If you knew who walked beside you on the way that you have chosen,
fear would be impossible.” (ACIM) When we believe life is hopeless, we
are ego drunk. When we believe nothing works for us, we are under the
influence. When we think situations or people hold the key to our
happiness, we are under the influence. When we think the world is evil,
we are under ego’s influence. When we stop and turn toward ever-present
love, we stop the ego in its tracks. All doubt, all pain, and all
hopelessness
disappear. And that’s the good news. “Delay does not matter in eternity,
but it is tragic in time.” (ACIM) The way out of pain is here. Jerry
Jampolsky wisely proclaims, “Love is letting go of fear.” This path
stands waiting, loaded with love, for a decision to abandon the map to
New York City and to choose the path of love, and when we do, life is
always EZier and EZier.
Anne
I used to be prejudiced toward older people. Maybe I still am. I
didn’t realize the prejudice existed. I thought I was cool and that I calculated people's value
equally.
As I aged, the bias turned itself against me. I loved my flaming
curly red hair, but at age 52, I felt the call of the wild: “Go natural.” I
cut my hair into a boy-like cut and waited for the salt and pepper. It
wasn’t there. My daily mirror checks exposed a crop of white hair. I
called myself Quetip. I was one white-topped woman. One day a child
pointed at me and asked his mom, “What is that grand mama doing?” I hold
nothing against being a grand
mom—really, I love it—but something snapped. That day I stepped out of
my youth and became an older adult. I entered the youth of my old age.
I remember climbing the steps of the pyramids outside of Mexico
City. I was greeted by an elder who said, “Welcome to the end of your
youth.” I was 40 and wasn’t ready to give it up! I thought, “What does
he know?” Twelve years later, I gave in. I was maturing.
I began to notice subtle changes in the way people looked at me.
Maybe it was a projection, but people looked through me or past me as
they hurried through their lives. As a younger woman, one who was often
center stage, I was used to being noticed, but now, I receded to the
sidelines of life.
My sister had a heart attack and I raced to LA to assist her
recovery. When she returned home, she carried an assisted living package
– a walker. All of the sudden walkers were cool. I checked out the
older passersby as I strolled through the streets of LA. I stopped and
talked with people about their walkers. Behind these walkers were
interesting people, not old folks. Again, my prejudices made themselves
known. I previously looked down on people using canes and walkers, but
now my contemporaries were using walking aids, wheel chairs, and
scooters. As I awakened from a silent fog, I wondered, “How many filters
and preconceived notions lurk in the dark corners of my mind? What
thoughts do I look through that determine how I view others?” There’s
not an answer; it was a moment of recognition: the mind has its secrets.
I’ve settled into my older years and continue to uncover and heal
my prejudices. People don’t look at me the way they used to, but I’ve
discovered that the transition from younger to older is not only about
who I think I am; it’s about letting go of an image that I believed gave
me some kind of advantage in life. No longer do I hold the success
images of youth. I have less money; my wrinkled face watches the jiggles
as I walk. Things hang off my body that previously
stood at attention, but there’s a softness replacing the vigor of youth.
There’s a knowing that I never was those things. I was never a body. I
was never young or old. I was never my thoughts or beliefs. They were
just an operating system. I was more, always more, and knowing that
certainly makes my life EZier and EZier.
Anne
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