The Fast Food of Love

Victoria’s eyes rested on his rugged jaw as if her life depended on it. He was her answer to every fantasy, but now he was dead. He was able to take a temporary physical form, but she knew the ethereal body wouldn’t last. He was minutes from disappearing forever. Her heart was already mourning the loss. Life would not smile again and the love of her life would fade from her memory, unless she could find a way to bring him permanently back to life.

She knew the Creminians had secret ways. Her mother told stories of the dead coming to life. It was a long time ago, but the ancient practices held the key to immortality and reanimation of the deceased.  “Hold on my love,” she shouts across the divide. “I will spend my life finding The Way.”

This could be an excerpt from a modern love story. It’s a story of unrequited love. Victoria’s life and well-being depend on her lover’s existence. Unfortunately this is the illusion of the western way. We worship the idea that the love of a special person will bring delight to our world, fill our hearts with love, and give meaning and purpose to our lives.

Looking for a partner to fulfill our lives is like eating fast food. Fast food will fill you up for a while, even bring a smile, but if all one eats is fast food, then their health will eventually suffer. The body needs natural whole foods on a regular basis to flourish.

We need more than the love of a partner to feed the soul. Romantic love is not a soul-lution. It is not a bad thing; it is just a fleeting thing. It is a groovy kind of love, as the song says, but romantic love is the fast food of love. Being in the presence of one who deeply loves himself or herself and one who knows their true identity, brings us much closer to love than when we are with one who expresses their undying affection for us.

Doesn’t it feel good to be around someone who loves all of life, including themselves and others? They have nothing to prove and don’t need to get anything from anyone. They don’t live life with a hidden agenda. People flock to gurus because of the nourishing love that flows from such self-realized saints, but ultimately the saint points the disciple in another direction. The guru points them back to themselves and illuminates the disciple so s/he can see the light within.

The New Year is a time of reflection. What is my life about? Why am I here? How should I spend my time and energy? Ultimately the question that puts an end to all questioning is, “Who am I?” These are the questions that allow us to bring accountability to our lives and the questions that open the door to a real soul- lution. Forget the worn out questions like: “Why am I not rich, successful, loved, or appreciated?” These are dead end questions.

If the questions above leave you flat, then learn the ways of the mind. Learn how to listen to that which is deep within. Allow the mind to spend its time learning to listen, rather than learning how to fix things. I’m not speaking about leaving things broken. Of course we have to fix a flat tire. I’m speaking of touching the ground of being as a way of living, rather than reaching to the stars for more fast food. Forget about love stories, fantasies, and longing. They are bits of desire that lead to suffering and we don’t have to be about suffering. Let’s be about life, satisfaction, love, and well-being. It’s our destiny to show up in our lives and to awaken to our true selves. May this year reflect the peace and joy in life and may you always find that life can be EZier and EZier.

Non-Attachment

"Attachment is binding; it lends an imaginary halo of attractiveness to the object of desire."
— Yogananda

Desires can motivate us, but the desire that leads to longing, is the birthplace of suffering. When we suffer over a desire, when we are attached to the outcome, we become like small children who have to have their way. Attachment leads to depression, anger, hopelessness, or fear.

Eastern teachers are quick to school their students in the practice of non-attachment. When we let things be the way they are without getting upset, we are practicing non-attachment. Acceptance is another word for non-attachment.

Preference is a non-attached desire. We want something to be a certain way, but if it is not what we prefer, we can still be happy. Over the years I’ve dealt with a slight scoliosis. The condition involves chiropractors, exercise, and massage. On rare occasions I have experienced debilitating pain. One day I was in my closet and my back “went out.” I could barely breathe or move. I stood slumped over and examined the pain. I went with it. I wondered if the same amount of peace and joy was available, even in this moment. I detached from the situation. Could I live the rest of my life with this level of pain? The answer was yes. I reached down to the still level and knew my life would be different if I remained in pain, but I could still lead a meaningful life. I felt at peace with the situation. Fortunately, the pain subsided and I remain relatively pain free. Naturally I prefer a pain free life, but what is, is what is. Resistance or attachment always leads to more suffering. When we get upset over physical pain, it’s the ego. When we are present with the pain, without attachment, we free up energy to deal with the situation and the pain. We don’t need to be in pain and have to deal with raging emotions at the same time. Let the emotions go.

Resignation and acceptance are not the same thing. True acceptance brings relief, while resignation brings pain and depression. Acceptance means allowing what is, to be what is, without resentment, longing, or sadness. Some people are scripted to be resigned. They believe life does not work on his or her behalf. Short term resignation is not harmful; it leads to short term suffering, but long term resignation is tragic. Long term resignation requires counseling, coaching, or therapy. Sometimes it takes another person help us see through our life defining lies.

Non-attachment is not the western way to deal with pain, but it is actually easier than the traditional ways of constantly sifting through our emotions. Non-attachment is not about denial; it is about breakthrough – breaking through emotions and going deeper into reality.

The following affirmative thoughts lead us away from attachment and toward freedom:

• I like it when things go my way, but I’m safe and okay when things don’t go my way.
• I am pleased with life and can deal with things as they come up.
• I accept the things I cannot change.
• I can have my way, but I don’t always have to have my way.
• I am not attached.
• I trust that the higher good is always working out, even if I cannot see it.
• I have preferences, but I am not attached to having everything my way.
• I am not selfish or selfless. I value myself, but I can always do without having things and still value who I am.
• I have compassion for others whose needs are greater than mine. In this moment they may need more attention and care than I, but I can always get the attention and care I need when the time is right.
• I am relaxed about feeling uptight.
• I am detached from my attachment.

Body Talk

I used to be prejudiced toward older people. Maybe I still am. I didn’t realize the prejudice existed. I thought I was cool and that I calculated people's value equally.

As I aged, the bias turned itself against me. I loved my flaming curly red hair, but at age 52, I felt the call of wild: “Go natural.” I cut my hair into a boy-like cut and waited for the salt and pepper. It wasn’t there. My daily mirror checks exposed a crop of white hair. I called myself Que-tip. I was one white-topped woman. One day a child pointed at me and asked his mom, “What is that grand mama doing?” I hold nothing against being a grand mom—really, I love it—but something snapped. That day I stepped out of my youth and became an older adult. I entered the youth of my old age.

I remember climbing the steps of the pyramids outside of Mexico City. I was greeted by an elder who said, “Welcome to the end of your youth.” I was 40 and wasn’t ready to give it up! I thought, “What does he know?” Twelve years later, I gave in. I was maturing.

I began to notice subtle changes in the way people looked at me. Maybe it was a projection, but people looked through me or past me as they hurried through their lives. As a younger woman, one who was often center stage, I was used to being noticed, but now, I receded to the sidelines of life.

My sister had a heart attack and I raced to LA to assist her recovery. When she returned home, she carried an assisted living package – a walker.  All of the sudden walkers were cool. I checked out the older passersby as I strolled through the streets of LA. I stopped and talked with people about their walkers. Behind these walkers were interesting people, not old folks. Again, my prejudices made themselves known. I previously looked down on people using canes and walkers, but now my contemporaries were using walking aids, wheel chairs, and scooters. As I awakened from a silent fog, I wondered, “How many filters and preconceived notions lurk in the dark corners of my mind? What thoughts do I look through that determine how I view others?” There’s not an answer; it was a moment of recognition: the mind has its secrets.

I’ve settled into my older years and continue to uncover and heal my prejudices. People don’t look at me the way they used to, but I’ve discovered that the transition from younger to older is not only about who I think I am; it’s about letting go of an image that I believed gave me some kind of advantage in life. No longer do I hold the success images of youth. I have less money; my wrinkled face watches the jiggles as I walk. Things hang off my body that previously stood at attention, but there’s a softness replacing the vigor of youth. There’s a knowing that I never was those things. I was never a body. I was never young or old. I was never my thoughts or beliefs. They were just an operating system. I was more, always more, and knowing that certainly makes my life EZier and EZier.

Anne

Money Relationship Healing

Our culture is fanatical about money. We believe there’s not enough. Even when we have enough in the moment, there’s a projection that our financial future will possibly be bleak. It’s like saying that a poisonous snake will jump out in front of us at any minute during the next 40 years, and we had better prepare. We give away our health, ignore our loved ones, and keep ourselves in overdrive in order to get more money. Our cultural mantra is “More money,” as if money could fix any problem we might face.

We judge people by how much money they have. Women seem to be more attracted to the power money brings than to the looks of a possible mate. We equate success with money and too often forget about the quality of our lives as the most important ingredient of success. Money is the god of our contemporary society.

Money is neutral. It is inanimate. It comes in paper, metal, plastic, and numbers on a computer screen. But if money is neutral, there shouldn’t be a problem, but there is. What is the real problem? The problem lies in our relationship with money. Most people have a dysfunctional relationship with money.

Once we have enough money to pay our bills and to live comfortably, our focus should move toward other kinds of activities, but it usually doesn’t. When it comes to money, there is a lot of fear. If we could heal our fears around money, the world would not only be a better place, greed would dissolve, and our lives could open to a greater happiness. Unfortunately, if our parents worried about money, we will probably worry about money too. Regrettably, we inherit worrying patterns from our elders – but relax, there is hope.

Here are some suggestions that can heal your relationship with money. Remember, having enough money to live a good life is wonderful, but building a life around money, robs us of our lives.

Suggestions for healing your relationship with money.

• Recognize that money is innocent. It is not the root of all evil. It is a neutral means of exchange. It’s okay to have money.
• Write a money worry payoffs page daily for one month. Complete the following: 5 Payoffs (benefits) I receive from worrying about money are:

Examples of payoffs would be:

1. It’s a familiar habit and I identify with it and like to worry.
2. My parents worried about money and I feel disloyal to them if I don’t worry about money.
3. It feeds my addiction to drama and upset.
4. It gives me something to complain about with others.
5. Worrying about money is a game and I like to play it. (“Ain’t it Awful” is a game in which people talk about how awful things are. It could be money, the government, smokers, etc. The activity passes time, but people leave the conversation feeling uncomfortable. Games thwart intimacy.) If you prefer, write 5 payoffs for not having enough money.

• Contemplate this thought for 5 minutes a day for 30 days. “I appreciate the money I have and I am okay with money.” See what comes up. Take notes. Rooting old beliefs from the subconscious mind helps free us from their power over us.
• Make a pact with yourself not to worry about money for 30 days. At the end of 30 days, see how your experiment worked. Did anything bad happen because you didn’t worry? Were you able to break the habit?
• We try to amass money to cover up feelings of lack. My free program “40 Days to Abundance” moves you from lack to abundance.

If you are constantly worried about money, and you have enough to meet your daily needs, I invite you to start the money relationship healing process. It’s never too late to improve your relationship with money, and when you do, you feel better about money, and your life will definitely be EZier and EZier.

The Empathy Project

Undergraduate school is a blur, but a few things stand out. I took classes in recreation therapy and sometimes we took on the limits of the populations we would be serving, in order to experience a partial view of their lives and limitations.

We had to spend one class period breathing through a straw. This gave us some insight into people who suffer from Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD). It was tough, but it was an effective way to create empathy.

The most impactful experiment occurred when I spent a day on campus in a wheel chair. People ignored me, stared with pity, and I was faced the physical difficulties of living in a world built for those who could walk and run. That was more than 45 years ago, yet I vividly remember how marginalized I felt and the responses of the people who looked down on me or looked away as they passed by. I have never since looked at people who are wheel chair bound the same way. Now they are equals, and before, I was unaware of my prejudice. I felt sorry for people in wheel chairs; fortunately, I moved from sympathy to empathy.

In later life I experienced a simulated poverty experience – what is was like to live on minimum wage and have a dependent family. Another experience created living in the Middle East in a war zone. I experienced disease, lack of clean water, a punitive educational system, and the angst of not knowing where the next bomb would come from. I had to perform a surgery simulation with improper tools and spend time in a dark cave like area. I would hear a loud explosion, then the area shook as if a bomb was landing a few feet from where I was hiding.

We are isolated in our culture. We hang out with those of similar resources. We ride around in cars by ourselves when carpooling might give us a medium for developing or deepening friendships. We chose convenience and want to be sure we can leave when we want to and not have to wait on another. Our busy lives often dictate who we relate with and how we relate to others. But in that busy-ness, we lose a part of our hearts. We lose touch with humanity as we separate ourselves from the greater whole.

I’ve never ridden the transit system in Houston or the downtown train. I have no idea what it is like to live on the bottom or to have to rely on others or public transportation to get around. I am teachable and plan to ride the bus from The Woodlands to downtown Houston and ride the train around the city, just to view life from another perspective.

I challenge you to limit yourself in some way. The following suggestions are ones you might try. These experiments may give you an understanding of how others live and create a new dimension of compassion and empathy. You may want to get friends or family to join in your personal Empathy Project.

·       Bathe with a small pail of cold water each day for a week. You have to use this water to wash your hair and meet all your bathing needs. While this seems like a drastic experiment to some, there are many people who don’t have clean water to bathe in. While in India, at the foothills of the Himalayas, I had one small pail of water to bathe with. The temperature was in the 30’s F. during the day and my room was not heated. I didn’t bathe daily, but that experience not only gave me an understanding of what others endured, it exposed a sense of entitlement I had about water and showed how much of our precious resource I wasted. I actually felt clean after bathing with a limited amount of water. Try this. I think you will be shocked at what you might learn.

·       Talk to a homeless person. Ask them about their lives. Once I spent about an hour on a public street talking to a homeless man. I asked him how he ended up on the street. He had a long series of mishaps that led to his homelessness. He told me about his injured feet. I asked to see them. He took off his shoes and showed me his frost bitten and bleeding feet. I held them in my hands and sent them all the love and energy I could muster. I listened and I think in some way he was served because I saw him, really saw him. If you chose to do this, of course, be safe. I was on a very public street with others walking past. It is always imperative when we move outside our comfort zones, that we remember our personal safety.

·       Do not spend any money for a week except to buy food, pay bills, or to cover your transportation costs. This self-imposed money restriction plan provides insight into the limits under which 45 million Americans live. There is little hope in their future and they have no money to buy clothes, eat out, or for recreation. This experiment can also reveal toxic spending patterns.

·       Wear the same outfit all day for two days. You don’t change when you get home from work. You don’t wear special exercise clothes. Many people don’t have the luxury of choosing what to wear. See what it is like to live without a choice in your wardrobe.

·       Breathe through a straw for 10 minutes. How does it feel to have impaired breathing? This gives us empathy for those who have COPD and asthma.

Make up your personal experiments of voluntary suffering. In EZosophy we work to eliminate ego driven suffering, but when we choose to walk in the shoes of others, we expand our limited perspective. For more than I year I refrained from eating for ½ day a week. It was a fast for peace. While it may not have been the whole-hearted demonstration of Gandhi, it made the idea of peace real in a personal way.

Empathy is not sympathy. Sympathy creates burden, but empathy opens the doors from which love flows. Challenging ourselves to move out of our comfort and convenience zones moves us into a place where we invite more than a few family members, colleagues, and friends into our hearts. As loves stirs and light shines into the hidden places and spaces in our lives and hearts, we can be sure that life will be EZier and EZier.